I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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