life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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