We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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