We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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