grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
