I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
