I got chris browned last night
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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