my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if i died would you start the facebook group?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
