No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
