it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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