I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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