I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
