I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
