I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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