: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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