I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
