can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
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There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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