I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
