There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
