My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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