Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
