$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think your dad took our porno
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
