I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
