the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize