just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
