4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
