my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
