she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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