I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My liver just had a heart attack.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
