thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
