Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
