Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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