I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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