how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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