what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
