atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize