1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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