were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We smell like vodka and hangover
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