I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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