why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
