Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
