All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
