that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I stole a fireplace last night.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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