So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
