I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
