Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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