Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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