I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
