i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
