R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
