Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
