Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
