that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
