i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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