he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
