i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
