I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
