dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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